Sharing a body

kw: book reviews, nonfiction, psychology, mpd, dissociative identity disorder

In 1972, about the time my first wife divorced me, my uncle divorced my aunt. This aunt, my mother's sister, came to talk with me. She talked about the deep emotional connection she and her husband had had, almost like telepathy in the early years; and about his extreme volatility, particularly later on. She said something that amazed me. When he was upset with himself, he would beat himself to unconsciousness with his own fists. I couldn't understand how it was possible. I recalled a verse from the book of Ephesians: "No man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it..."

Reading A Fractured Mind: My Life with Multiple Personality Disorder by Robert B. Oxnam, someone who also beat himself, but apparently not to the point of concussion, I understand that my uncle was probably a multiple, someone whose mind housed several personalities, including at least one who was a hateful abuser of my uncle's body.

As understood by many psychiatrists, MPD—now more frequently called DID, for dissociative identity disorder—results from child abuse on a truly horrific scale. One or more personalities are split off that carry the original innocence, having no memory of the abuse. Yet there is usually at least one personality created that assumes the attitude and behavior of the abuser(s), and one that takes all the abuse, whether or not it manifests in self-beating. The dissociation is the disconnect between the memories of the various internal persons; some may have access to all memories, but at least one is usually walled off from the rest, and can carry on daily activities with seeming aplomb...except that at least some of the others occasionally "get out" and control the body at various times. The dominant personality is typically in denial that there are blank spots in his/her memory.

Dr. Oxnam, a very successful specialist on Asia, became an alcoholic and was burning out. About six months into psychiatric analysis, one of the "others" took over and spoke with (mostly cursed at) the psychiatrist. Dr. Jeffrey Smith, who wrote a fascinating epilogue to the book, realized that Dr. Oxnam suffered from MPD/DID, and set about helping him recover. As of the writing of the book, eight of eleven "alters" have been integrated into three, who at present cooperate, and may not further integrate.

One point brought out several times is that integration of one personality with another is not like death for one of them. The memories, skills, and attitudes of both are joined into a more rounded whole. The hard part is to get the two to agree on a set of values and beliefs. If I understand correctly, the three current alters in Dr. Oxnam, Robert, Bobby, and Wanda, have widely differing beliefs that lead them to remain separate at present. Of course, I am oversimplifying!

The narrative in A Fractured Mind is told in at least eight voices, as each alter that can, is allowed to speak for him/herself. I found this fascinating. The only other author I've observed who can write in divergent voices, convincingly, is Theodore Sturgeon (I wonder...?).

Dr. Oxnam and Dr. Smith consider MPD to be entirely a product of experience, with no genetic basis. I wonder, though, if some folks are more disposed to dissociate than others; perhaps much more so (see the last URL below). They particularly point out that Bipolar Disorder (manic-depression) is genetic again, I wonder. In the Introduction, the phrase is used, "...my experience may be an extreme exaggeration of what is normal human behavior."

This statement mirrors almost exactly my own statement, as a Bipolar individual. Everyone has higher and lower moods that seem to occur on a schedule that does not always relate to external events that might cause happiness or sadness. With Bipolar 2, as I have, the highest and lowest moods can become disruptive of one's life, and with Bipolar 1, they require medication for any semblance of "ordinary" life to be possible.

And, I've had experiences that may be closer to dissociation than usual. Primarily, in my teenage years I purposely constructed a personality to handle human interaction. I realized I was a hopeless nerd, more at home with machines than with people. I couldn't read body language with anything like the facility of my younger brothers. I purposely gave away a handful of IQ points to develop processing habits to make up some of the lack. Many years later, taking a 2-week leadership training course at a nice ranch, I had to take a personality assessment. This was one of those big deals, where you answer hundreds of questions about yourself and your work, with instructions to answer quickly, with little thought. Three customer plus three colleagues answer the same questions about you. You also answer the same set of questions, answering as you imagine a perfect employee fitting your job description would answer them.

The result was a huge shock. My colleagues, my customers, and my "ideal employee" all lined up very, very well, but my personal reaction results were almost perfectly opposite. As I said to a trusted friend later, "I have them all fooled. But 'the machine' was revealed, unchanged after all these decades!" I call my original self, that doesn't know how to relate to people, "the machine." I was not the only person who was shaken by their results. Our group called that day "suicide Tuesday."

I guess I have tremendous will power. I came up with a new slogan a few days later: "You cannot build a tree." On my own, over the next five months, I sought within myself any traces of "normal" human abilities, and gradually discarded my home-brew personality. I found I was able to assume the skills I'd constructed, melded with decades of human experience, to make myself a more balanced person. Now, nearing 60 years of age, I suppose, in 60s terminology, I "have it together."

Well, not completely. A couple years after "suicide Tuesday" I found I am Bipolar. To this day, I am almost like two different people. However, there is no dissociation. Reading Dr. Oxnam's book has greatly helped my own journey of self-discovery. One thing in particular, I know I am not MPD/DID. I have continuous memories back to age 2, and my brothers' stories to cross-check. What I do have is a lot more sympathy for multiples, and a bit of curiosity, whether there are any multiples who didn't get abused into the condition.

Useful URLs:

• Shattered Selves One multiple's public web site.
• MPD/DID Information Pages Information and service for multiples; with a great quote, "If your body were hurting, people would send you flowers, But if your mind is hurting they throw bricks".
• Dissociative Disorders, from Sidran Institute Advocacy and education in traumatic stress recovery.
• Paul McHugh essay He considers MPD/DID an iatrogenic fantasy.
• Pavilion A service site for multiples who do not consider their condition a disorder, nor that abuse is required to produce the condition.